Hi guys! So today’s post is a little different – I just kind of wanted to chat with y’all and fill you in on what’s been going on. Reading that sentence back sounds a little ominous haha, which isn’t my intention! Nothing “major” has happened/is happening, but I just wanted to have a little chat with y’all about how I’ve been feeling lately. I don’t know if any of y’all will resonate but if you do, know that you aren’t alone! And if this doesn’t necessarily it home for you, I (as always) appreciate you letting me be open and share my life with you 🙂
So I guess you could say that today was kind of the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” I had been feeling incredibly anxious all morning and couldn’t really pinpoint why. I know anxiety isn’t necessarily rational, but usually I end up feeling anxious if I’m driving, or out at the grocery store when I think a fainting episode is about to come on (the first 3 blog posts here talk about my anxiety and give some background if you want to read those). So the fact that I was feeling anxious this morning when I was just at home was definitely weird for me. But besides that, lately (maybe the past month or so), I just feel like I haven’t been 100% myself.
I would never describe myself as a depressed person – in fact, I feel like I am someone who always is able to see the silver lining in situations. I’m realistic, but I’m definitely an optimistic, glass half-full kind of person. And aside from that, I would consider myself a generally happy person. The last month though, I still feel like I objectively can find the silver lining in things, but my overall mood has just felt down. I don’t feel like I have as much motivation to work (which is never an issue for me), I feel like during the day I have more moments then not where I’m just kind of going through the motions vs. feeling really engaged/focused on what I’m doing. Everyday hasn’t been this way, so I think I’ve just been kind of pushing it to the back of my mind. I’m like well, if I don’t feel this way all day everyday, then nothing is wrong!
But then on the way home from Miami (and feeling anxious this morning), I started to rethink things. Basically when we were heading to Miami for my birthday, I was like looking forward to the trip but I wasn’t like “OMG I’M SO EXCITED” and then on the way home Stephen asked me if I had a good birthday weekend, and while I did have a great weekend with everyone I was like – why wasn’t I happier with the weekend? I was with Stephen, we were with our close friends, we got to fly first class, we stayed in a beautiful hotel, went to great restaurants …like why wasn’t I happier?
While I’ve been thinking through this, part of me wonders if part of the issue is the more we have, the more takes us to get excited about things. I’ve heard people talk about this on (personal development/business) podcasts before about how could they not be happier now that they are successful and have XYZ vs. when they were first getting started and had much less. And the sentiment is, as time goes on and you get more accustomed to a new “normal” it takes more for you to reach that happiness and excitement. Like, let’s say you always wanted a new car and years later you were finally able to buy yourself a new Toyota. When you first get it, you’re so excited and you’re like, I can’t believe that I did this! That I now have this! But after time passes and you are used to having more/being able to afford more etc. buying a new Toyota doesn’t give you that same excitement it once did. Now in order to reach that same level of excitement, you need a BMW. *Edit. Another example I want to add that is probably a better description is this: I think of when I first started blogging and I was working as a RN – my income was very different than it is now. That being said, I remember being super excited when I bought new clothes. Like, if I bought a couple new shirts I was so excited when they arrived in the mail. But now, I don’t really think anything of buying new clothes. Like, it takes a lot more for me to get excited when something new arrives than it did 5 years ago. And that honestly kind of makes me sad. Anyway – I think y’all get what I’m saying with these examples. The more you become accustomed to anything, the more it takes to reach that same level of excitement.
That being said, I do feel like part of that is human nature but I don’t like to feel this way. I left Miami thinking – a few years ago Stephen and I drove to Charlotte for a night for my birthday and I was so excited and had so much fun. But now I am flying to Miami and can afford to do XYZ and I’m like “yeah it was good…”
All that to say, I don’t necessarily know what the answer is but it probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to someone. I just don’t feel like my mood is lining up where it “should be.” Maybe I am just having an “off” month or maybe there is more to it than that. I will for sure keep you guys posted, but I know a lot of us struggle with things like anxiety, and feeling either depressed or just down, so I hope this lets you know that you aren’t alone!