I don’t know why I haven’t thought to write this post sooner, to be honest! I guess it’s been a while since I’ve been through a breakup, but I do vividly remember how painful they can be. I got a DM the other night from one of y’all though that asked me if I had any advice for going through one as her 3-year relationship just ended. And to be fair, this isn’t the first time I’ve gotten a message like this so I figured it was time for a blog on it. Also, keep it in mind at the end of the day only you know your relationship. This is just my personal opinion and advice that I would give to myself and any girlfriend of mine if they were going through a breakup!
The first thing I want to say is–if you’re going through one right now, I know it’s hard and I know it’s painful but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT.
Okay, now onto more tangible advice.
Before Stephen, I was in two long-term relationships, each lasting over 3 years. And while I don’t know your current situation, break-ups are never easy. Whether you’ve been dating for a year, 5 years, it was mutually decided to split, or the other person decided to end things—it’s usually just shitty all around. I’m not going to sit here and try to sugar coat it. I remember being so down that I wouldn’t want to eat, I didn’t want to go to work. I just wanted to do nothing.
But looking back, there are a few things I realized. One being, doing nothing didn’t actually make me feel better. Moping around just made me dwell on what was happening even more. I remember that I always felt a little bit better when I picked myself up, got dressed, and actually went to do something. It could have been just a 20-minute walk outside, time with girlfriends, reading a book, etc. but it helped. Anything is better than nothing. So I guess my first piece of advice is to force yourself to have some normalcy in your day to day. It’s totally normal to be upset and feel shitty but make yourself get up and do something. You sometimes have to do things to trick your mind into feeling better.
The next piece of advice I would give is to realize that there was a reason the relationship didn’t work out and they weren’t meant to be your person. At the times of my breakups, I didn’t always understand why they were happening. But I think we’ve all been in relationships where we know that deep down that the person isn’t right for us, or that the relationship isn’t healthy, but we love them so we look past it. I’ve been there. I’ve also been in a relationship where nothing was “wrong” per se but after several years of dating, I still couldn’t say without a doubt he was the one. Both relationships were very different circumstances, but both ended in breakups and were hurtful nonetheless. Regardless though, I learned that you shouldn’t be having either of these feelings with the person you are meant to be with. Yes, relationships take work and effort, but things shouldn’t be such a struggle, and you also shouldn’t have to try and convince yourself to be with someone because things are “fine.” Do you just want a relationship that is “fine”? No, you don’t. You also don’t want a relationship where you have to convince someone to be with you. When you think about it, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t think you’re amazing and the best fit for them? Again, there is a reason none of these relationships go on to be healthy relationships and marriages. The sooner you accept that there is a reason this relationship didn’t work out, the sooner you can learn from it and move past it.
Another quick thought on that. Marriage isn’t easy. So if you’re already having a lot of “bumps in the road” or “ups and downs” while dating, it will only get harder with marriage.
Something that I would really encourage whether you’re single, in a relationship or in the midst of a break up is to KNOW YOURSELF. One of my mistakes early on was that I didn’t know who I was outside of the relationship. My identity was so wrapped up in the relationship that when it ended, I didn’t know what to do with myself. As I got older, breakups weren’t necessarily easy but I had more personal identity, self-worth, and confidence. So yes, the breakups were still hard but I was my own person. My identity didn’t revolve around them so it was much easier to give energy to other areas of my life. A relationship isn’t the only thing you have to live for!
This is something that Stephen and I have actually talked about. If something happened and we broke up (I guess I should say divorced), we would both be devastated obviously. But at the same time, there is more to you than being a husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend, fiance, etc. That is a part of you, but not the whole you. So when you’re going through a tough breakup, remember that! It may feel like they are your whole world but if that’s the case you probably are a little too dependent on that person (IMO). You are your own person, and you should give yourself to someone who loves you as much as you do them!
At the end of the day, I know breakups suck but remember that the way your feeling right now will pass. Force yourself to not just mope around (no matter how tempting it is) and try to do something that is part of your normal routine; day by day it gets easier. And know that if it didn’t work out there was reason (and you probably know why deep down). But just remember that this too shall pass. I feel like I’ve been using that a lot lately but it couldn’t be more true. Time heals all wounds! xxC